Older LGBT People Conference

‘Making Person Centred Care a reality: How to Support older LGBT people in care settings.’ First National Conference, Newcastle upon Tyne 29^th Oct 2014.

Have you ever thought about what it will be like to be older… much older… elderly…? I know, me neither, no one wants to think about it but we will definitely get older, a day, a week, a year, maybe very old (my Gran was 102 when she died so how many years might that leave you to go) and there are things we just might wish we’d done now, put in place now. This conference raised loads of questions about older life, most of which were uncomfortable. Have you ever thought about where you might be living (I haven’t) or want to live or need to live or whether you might need carers, or to be in a care home or what you might need in order not to be in one? Or, do you know who is your next of kin and what that means? Are they really, officially? Who might you want to be your next of kin, and how would people, or services, know who that is? And within all of that, have you thought about whether being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender might mean you need to make any kinds of special provision for yourself? What personal or service issues might you or those around you have to deal with?

I know, it’s a lot of questions, but I bet most of them have crossed your mind before. For me most of them raise their heads at New Year, at funerals, when I’m visiting people in hospital, or, yes, when someone is dying (like my Gran who incidentally I considered somewhat immortal until the final days).  When exactly am I going to answer these questions for myself? I’ve put them off and into a ‘pending’ file in my mind for more years than I like to think and they adhere to the rule of disliked things i.e. they stick around and never go away, just like for example those horrible gloves someone gave you, warm, practical, sick green (in my case), and both still here. The lovely ones you specially bought, expensive, fine leather, hitech performance dry… only ever find one, or at best two right-handed ones. The questions remain pristine in my mind, which doesn’t mean I’ve dealt with them, and just having them there is not enough.

No one wants to think about being older, is that a sign of the youth orientated society we’re living in? I have always imagined that I will think about it properly or make plans for ‘when I’m ‘old’’, when I’m older. I have put no age on either of these times, and now I’m mulling it over, there is some slippage in what age I used to consider ‘old’ and therefore the right time to make those plans.  Other than signing into a work pension (and would I have done that if I hadn’t had to actively ‘opt out’) I have done very little preparation. Periodically I remind myself I must make a Will, on the basis that I don’t want the government to get all the benefit of my good-gotten-gains, and because people might want some of my (more valuable) stuff. It remains unwritten.

Yesterday’s conference was provocative. There was a lot of information available through presentations workshops and discussion, and an unavoidable personal edge to the issues raised. We were challenged to think about what we might want as individual people as well as service providers or activist groups. I was provoked by one workshop to think about the language I use and I hear being used. Who around me uses non-gender specific pronouns (they, we, ourselves, us) when talking about their lives, and what might that mean? About ways people (I) hide ourselves, out of need or fear or habit. Not that we need or should tell everyone about our sexual orientation at every opportunity (or none), but feeling the need to stay hidden, the panic we feel when we think we’ll be asked something specific about our relationships or lives, is not impact neutral. LGBT people are skilled in finding creative ways to have conversations without revealing our personal lives, our sexual orientation, not least because it might negatively change those relationships. We assess risk daily and sometimes within a split second, we adapt. Have you ever ‘de-gayed’ your house, for parents or friends or colleagues visiting? The conference asked us to consider how might that be for someone, you, me, if there was a health worker or carer visiting every day?

It was interesting to hear what is happening from other parts of the country and how we might apply or adapt some of that in the North East. Most, if not all of these agencies have information on websites or facebook, and are well worth a browse but to give you an idea of the presenters: Dr Kathy Almack (Senior Research Fellow, University of Nottingham), Debbie Smith (Regional National Dementia Strategy), Tina Wathern (Stonewall Housing), Equal Arts, Opening Doors London, Anthony Smith (Equalities and Human Rights Age UK), Open Clasp, SAND (Safe Ageing No Discrimination, Shropshire) and many more.  Alma Caldwell (Chief Executive Age UK North Tyneside) chaired the day with a light touch that gave us time to ‘network’ or is that jargon for ‘speak and communicate with each other’.

Open Clasp, performed an abbreviated version of their incredible theatre production ‘Swags and Tails’, making some of the issues (particularly identity) acutely and poignantly visible to us. Since the age of probably two or three, haven’t we all chosen what clothes we wear. Worn our own clothes. Haven’t we all tried to be real, as honest as we can be, at least with some of the people around us at home or at work? A struggle that costs us dearly one way or another. The ‘Swags and Tails’ excerpts were hard-hitting and pointed out how things might be in our future, and indeed are now for some people. It highlighted the need for staff training, more services, better services, and increased awareness of LGBT issues. The audience was genuinely affected and some seemed emotionally stunned by the drama. Despite it being my third viewing, I was one of the many people wiping a tear away today. Why were we all so moved? Open Clasp gave a skilled performance, finely honed and expertly focused on the dilemmas and experiences of people on both sides of care provision. They addressed themes that are familiar and shared by us all as human beings like the commonality of first loves and lost loves making some of us smile, and the distress of being hidden or excluded striking at our hearts. A dramatic way of putting it but everyone I talked to had been genuinely moved by the performance.

In all the presentations there was a general feeling for the need to stay vigilant and be aware of what’s happening or threatening LGBT people and services. There was a strong wish for us not to lose the lessons of the past but to use what we know, to hear the advice of older LGBT people.  A wish for this wisdom not to be lost or forgotten but to be remembered, and utilized to counter the perception that we are all ‘equal’ now (note the word, ‘treated the same’ is not equality, thank you) and we can all relax.  But the reality is there is a difference between what is thought to be out there and what is actually out there. We heard stories of LGBT people being ‘prayed for’ by the misguided or well meaning. We heard there are many older people in care provision going ‘back into the closet’, even people who have been activists. Why? because the care provision is not LGBT friendly, or the fight to be strong for themselves as LGBT people when they are vulnerable, is one fight too many. We heard about human rights of all kinds increasingly being disregarded, eroded or taken from us in the UK and those with least voice and little perceived need (older LGBT people) will fall foul of these political choices.

Perhaps one of the points of the day was to stir us up, to move us to some action, to mobilise, to get us thinking about where we might be in ten twenty thirty fourty years time. and question will there be suitable services for us. In the workshops I heard about a variety of generic services available as we get older. I was also astonished to discover there is no specific LGBT care provision anywhere in the UK. There is no political will to provide it. Does that matter to us? The stark reality seems to be that you can find specific care provision be it residential or other if you have specific medical needs, belong to a religion, have a specific ethnicity, have a particular condition, or need specific health services. If you want or need LGB or T specific provision, you won’t find it.

This was an extremely interesting, challenging and nourishing conference that stimulated the intellectual, political, emotional and other facets of myself. Huge thanks to the people who organised it, and those who contributed, for all the hard work and effort involved in making it possible. It was a very positive conference despite the difficult situation out there, and it left me tentatively hopeful that change can come, that we can and are willing to learn from each other and that the provision we want might become available, if we demand promote or create it. As I left I heard positive comments and feedback about the day like ‘fantastic’, ‘I didn’t know about that’, ‘we have to get some change to happen’. People were engaging each other in conversation and as I was earwigging these seemed to be mainly about the issues of the day and not just conversations and chat!

The conference presented me with a variety of issues and has made me stop and think. I have put a date in my diary, 21^st November, and I intend to actually do something. I intend to ask myself what I need in place to maintain my life as I want it as I get older and or less able to be so independent? Might I always want to share my bed (where can I do that in resi care), how do I continue to drive, do I need to move to a more manageable house, and other questions about my future life. Yes it is scarey and no I am not looking forward to doing it, but continuing to not think about it is scarey and worse. I intend to address some of these questions or make appointments to do so, to make a Will, have at least one conversation with someone about what I might want by way of care should I need it, think about what is my ‘family configuration’ and official next of kin, and where are my local services and how I can influence them. Lots more but basically to think things through and start to make some plans. Generally I intend to put my house in a bit more order for the future. A sort of personal spring clean but in autumn, or is it winter.

Ruby